I've been feeling like a zombie for the past 2 weeks.
I wake up and just go through the routine of everyday. Wake up, go to work, then go home and sleep.
The past christmas was the most unchristmassy christmas of my entire life. I decided to work Christmas Eve and greeted the 25th by trying to appease a client who was getting pretty upset. Whoopppeee!
Sure I receieved a lot of text messages, YM messages and emails from friends wishing me the best this season, but I just skimmed through them and pressed delete. I didn't even send a single christmas message to anyone. (sorry, guys!)
I didn't even see any of my friends! I swear, my friends and I usually meet up on Christmas day or after Noche Buena and I didn't see them. They texted me about a get-together on the night of the 25th but I decided to stay in bed. And well, it doesn't help that I have cough and colds and that my fever goes on and off. But then again, when did the flu ever stop me from going out?
My mom and her husband left for the U.S. 2 days ago and I suddenly find that everything is back to normal. Which isn't really that good because I now find myself alone a lot of times. But I've discovered that sleeping and sleeping and sleeping helps because at least, I won't have to think about anything.
I've never been this apathetic. Actually, I am never apathetic. But now...nothing. I'm never in the mood for anything. And it seems that everything I have to do, I just do, to get things done. There's no heart in it.
I think the only time I find myself really smiling is when I'm with my babies-- my 5-month-old cousin, Marco and my 2-month-old nephew, Gabe. Because there's really something about kids that lift your spirit. And one can't fully explain why. In fact, I think that that will remain to be one of life's greatest mysteries.
I've always wondered how it was like to be emotionless and stoic. Now I know. And just in case you want to know, it isn't nice at all. It's better to just choose between happy and miserable.
Thing is, I'm neither. So, what do I do?
On a lighter note, I just wanted to share this picture taken last October. My college buddies and I decided to get together after a long time. I love this picture so much because we were all laughing (I can't remember why) and my friend's husband took a picture of us. It was an amazing night.
From L TO R: Claire, Moi, Liezel, Monica, Em and Terry
Bunny @ Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
FARTHER DOWN Matthew Sweet
Into you so far our words go so much clearer then you hear into you goes everything I know no one else knows how I feel
farther down I'm desperate for you where you never have to know farther down I'm still without a clue just something, something takes my pain away
only chance can change my fortune so I'm not sure why I try as if I could swim the ocean as if you could start to fly
farther down I'm desperate for you where you never have to know farther down I'm still without a clue just something, something takes my pain away something takes my pain away something takes my pain away
farther down I'm desperate for you where you never have to know farther down I'm still without a clue just something, something takes my pain away something takes my pain away something takes my pain away something takes my pain away
Bunny @ Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I'm so tired.
And my pockets are drained. Hahaha!
4 more days before christmas and I think I still have 6-10 people on my list who remain giftless. Hehehe!
On top of all the brouhaha the upcoming holidays is bringing, I've been swamped with work. In the words of our company president after I bid him goodbye during the christmas party last week, "Bunny, be prepared for next year, you're going to be busy."
It is during times like these when I remember what my friend told me his boss said to him, "Work flows to those who get things done."
I turned that down. Told my GM that while the position was challenging, I really couldn't find myself working the night shift. Plus, I really love my team.
A couple of weeks ago, the president called me to his office and told me that I did a good job with my department and that since I've got pretty much everything covered, he wants me to help out with the other department, the department I turned down. I didn't mind because I only have to devote a couple of hours everyday to it and I won't be managing a team. All I basically have to do is touch base with the foreign accounts, find out what they need, close the accounts then turn them over to the night manager. There's already a girl in the office doing this full-time but I guess she needs help since there are a lot of accounts.
My work schedule is from 6am-3pm (I'm actually flexi from 6-7am), the peak hours of my work are in the morning. I normally spend the afternoon making reports, going through all the trouble tickets, etc. Nowadays, I squeeze in time to send A LOT of emails to these foreign prospects.
My GM met with me yesterday and she says that there may be a need for me to change my work schedule because aside from emailing these clients, I'm going to need to call them as well. It was a choice between 4am-1pm or 2am-11pm. If I choose the latter, I'll have to let go of my department. And I didn't want that. Neither did my GM. So 4am-1pm it is...starting next year. Looking forward to the night differential pay. Haha!
Right before I left my GM's office yesterday, she suddenly blurts,
GM: Bunny, your boyfriend's here na daw? Me: Uhh yeah (wonder who told her), but he's in Australia now for work (I didn't tell her that the status of my relationship with jay has been undefined lately because that would bring up more questions) GM: So when are you going to see him? Me: Before christmas, I think. When he gets back from Sydney.
Then, she asked me when Jay was going to work here and what he did. How old he was and if I'm still moving to the U.S. and a few other things.
Shucks, it's really Christmas na. How come I don't feel it?
"Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year and all I want is one thing Tell me my true love is near He's all I want, just for me underneath my christmas tree I'll be waiting here. Santa thats my only wish this year." -- My only wish this year, Britney Spears
Bunny @ Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
My nephew, Gabe is growing up and gaining weight sooo fast! And I've got the pictures to prove it!
Bunny @ Monday, December 19, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
It's almost christmas and I have not bought a gift for anyone. Oh, I did buy a gift for my co-worker, because I picked his name for the company exchange gift. His gift was more of a requirement. I don't even like the guy so you can just imagine how ecstatic I am that he was the first person I bought a present for this year.
I was at the mall yesterday trying to get in the mood to empty my pockets but I am so not in a holiday mood. Is that a valid excuse for not giving anyone gifts this year? I'm leaving the office in like 15 minutes and I am still undecided as to whether I should try my luck at christmas shopping again or just head home, lie in the sofa and fall asleep while watching DVDs.
There are 2 reasons why I should start my christmas shopping now: 1. I have 50-60 people on my list. 2. I might end up spending most of my christmas money on ME.
What to do, what to do....Hmmmm....
I think I'll just toss a coin and let heads or tails decide.
Bunny @ Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
2005 IN REVIEW
I was bloghopping and I found this and decided to give it a shot.
Take the first sentence (or two) from the first post of each month of 2005. That's your year in review.
JANUARY But what the heck, it's just a date. Just a set-up.
FEBRUARY But I am finally trying to quit smoking.
MARCH I discovered something the other day that I took as a sign to stay in the country this year. Actually, I do have to stay in the country for another year because I just accepted a job offer from my GM to head the customer service department and I promised my GM that I would stay on the job for a year.
APRIL I've been silently following Terri Schiavo's case. I refuse to bring it up when I have conversations with people because well, I think, euthanasia is a very sensitive issue and I'd like to keep my opinions on it to myself.
MAY Going there was fun! I finally got to do something I've always wanted to do.
JUNE Whenever I would get asked if I have a province, I would always say that No I didn't have one coz I was born and raised in Manila. But that I had relatives in Samar and Batangas.
JULY Cinemanila. Well, I really look forward to this every year.
AUGUST "MAGTANIM AY DI BIRO, MAGHAPONG NAKAYUKO..." As that old folk song goes. And I have to tell you, it's sooo true.
SEPTEMBER Jay bought a new car. The license plate he got is personalized and a few days ago, he said he was thinking of "hotrabt" as the license plate.
OCTOBER My good college friend, Tarah got married last Wednesday and I was one of the bridesmaids. A week before the wedding, it dawned on me that among my close college friends, I was the only bachelorette remaining.
NOVEMBER I've always loved to daydream. I remember that as a kid I would go through my mom's architectural digests and I would daydream about living in a beautiful home with my gorgeous husband (I imagined he would look like the Ralph Lauren model I was crushing on as a 9-year-old) and that I would have a huge garden with a maze in it.
DECEMBER My heart breaks...All over again.
Hey, that was pretty cool! You guys should try it too, if you have a blog that's been around for a year, that is.
Sigh. The last part is just making me....sigh. This year was such a cycle. And it seems like January 2006 will just be the same as January 2005. And this whole year, I hoped it would be different.
Bunny @ Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Gabe was baptized last Sunday and the reception was really nice with "its a boy!" balloons all around. Tables were showered with chocolates, food was good, and everyone was in a very celebratory mood.
And that's what these parties should feel like. Family and friends abound. People you haven't heard from or seen in ages suddenly pop up and you hug and/or kiss and catch up on each other's lives and it suddenly feels like you've never lost touch at all.
It was okay, except that whenever people would come to me, they only had one question to ask, and it was ALWAYS the first question they would ask: When are you getting married?
My cordial self would force a smile and say, "I don't know. I'm in no rush". And then I'll flash a smile again and say nothing even when I have a million things to say about the matter. It's bad enough when you have a boyfriend, but it feels worse when everyone knows you have no one. I think I'm just being paranoid but when you're super single and people are asking you these questions, you can almost see worry and concern on their faces, if you look close enough. It's like they're asking theirselves what could possibly be wrong with you that none of your relationships ever work out. Again, maybe I'm just being paranoid.
It also doesn't help that upon seeing you carrying your 2-month-old nephew and 4-month-old cousin around, they'll say, "You should have one of your own!" and again, you manage a smile and say nothing. My mom's husband even commented that I looked good with a baby bag. Har har.
Last month, when I took my 7-year-old nephew (or is he 8, already?), Mikee to watch Harry Potter with me, he asks,
Mikee: Tita Bunny, how do you make babies? Me: *stunned* Uhmm..have you ever tried asking your mom that question? Mikee: Yup! Me: Well, what did she say? Mikee: She said that the doctor gets something from the man's body and puts it in a test tube and they put the test tube inside the mommy and there's a machine that makes the baby. (I spoke to his mom later on about this, and she said that she never said such thing and that Mikee was probably just making it up) Me: Hmmm...no Mikee. Babies aren't made that way. Mikee: So, how? Me: Well...they're made out of love. When a man and a woman love each other, they get married and because they love each other so much, they make babies. The baby is a product of their love. (Cheesy, I know! But what was I supposed to say? The kid caught me off guard.) Mikee: Yech! I like the machine story more.
I'm turning 27 in a few months and there is no denying that the clock is ticking. I mean, even my own mother thinks I should settle down soon. Or maybe this is just something every single woman at this age is going through. I don't know, I've always imagined that I would be married by 25. I was talking to my slightly commitment-phobic cousin, Abbey over at YM yesterday and like me, she's single but at least she's dating. But anyway, we were talking about this guy who I seriously thought she would end up with and she said she used to feel that way too but that life is funny because sometimes, the things you plan your life around don't happen and the things you never thought possible happens. She also said the nicest thing--
"One lesson I've learned is that God always gives us what we want and need. Its just that sometimes, we refuse to accept it because the packaging is different from what we pictured."
And that is sooo true in so many different ways.
But it doesn't make me stop wishing that I had a better reply to, "When are you getting married?"
It's not that I already want to but the truth is, it's soooo far away, I can't even see the slightest glimmer of it happening. I am not in a rush because I have absolutely no reason to. No boyfriend, no date, nada. I'm back to square one. And this is a place I never thought I'd be back in--because I really thought Jay was The One. And I think a part of me still believes in that.
It also doesn't help that I often think about how great he and I were together. I miss the conversations. I love how challenges me and yet, I find so much comfort in him.
Oh crap. Okay, enough moping. Back to work.
I just realized that this entry didn't really make much sense. I wrote it with a point in mind and I just completely lost it somewhere, but who cares. Baaahhh!
Bunny @ Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
So my mom arrived arrived very early this morning and the first thing she asks me is,
"How are you and Jason?"
Trying to keep a straight face, and not wanting to divulge too much detail, I said, "Uhmm..Basta, ayoko na."
I was in my room this morning, drinking coffee and answering crossword puzzles when she came in, took a look at the picture of Jason by my bed (I keep forgetting to remove it) and interrogated me as to what happened to me and Jay. "Maaaa....bastaaaa...", was all I said.
While driving me out of the village, she hounded me with the Jason questions again and losing a bit of my patience, but not sounding irritated, I said,
Me: He's here but he's too busy coz he is here for work. I didn't even know he was here until Uncle Freddie told me. Mama: Have you gone out? Me: Nope. Mama: Has he called? Me: Nope. I just spoke to him over the internet. Mama: Maybe he's not interested anymore? Me: Yeah, maybe. I don't really want to talk about it, Ma. Mama: So who's your boyfriend now? Me: No boyfriend, Ma. Mama: Wala talaga? Me: WALA. Mama: Naku, baka maging old maid ka na. Me: Bahala na.*pouts and looks out the window*
I did smile this morning after reading a text message from L:
"I know you're up early. Hope to get your spirits up as early, too. You are one special person whose worth and value does not depend on others. To me, you're a good friend and wonderful company. You are beautifully honest and appealing to a fault. You are responsible and caring and sincere and Bunny, even if we're friends, you're as hot as hell. Have a day as fabulous as you are."
I'm going to pretend he really meant it. Well, actually, he said he did. But then again, that's what I love about my friends, they're biased. Hehehe!
"And from the first, to the last time, the signs Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted It ended bad, but I love what we started " Parting Gift, Fiona Apple
Bunny @ Thursday, December 08, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
For lack of anything to do, I decided to go to Glorietta after work yesterday. Spent 3 hours walking around, did a teeny bit of grocery shopping and also looked for possible christmas gifts but couldn't find any, or maybe I was just not in the mood to shop for anything. I was going to leave at around 7 but saw the traffic outside and told myself that it would be less stressful to leave later.
Misery was starting to haunt me, what with cozy christmas songs playing in almost every store. The festive and glittery atmosphere brought by the upcoming holidays didn't help either. So to get away from it all, I checked the movie schedules and voila! "Prime" was showing at 8:10p.m. Had dinner and bought myself a ticket.
The annoying commercial on termites was showing when I received a message on my phone (of course it was on silent). It was wonderful guy friend, L, asking me how I am. Told him I was still heartbroken and that I was inside a theatre, waiting for a movie to start. When he found out I was alone, he said, "Gago ka talaga. You should have called me. Ingat ka diyan." The opening credits of the film were showing when he sent me another message that read,
"You are lovely and beautiful and loveable, no matter how you feel."
And that was the very first time I cried at the beginning of a film.
The movie was cute, by the way. Meryl streep is still adorable, after all these years. Uma was gorgeous and I loved all her outfits in the film (accessories included). I actually wonder if I can pull this off:
Bought some cream puffs from Beard Papa's for my sisters and I to eat when I get home, so we can celebrate my sister, Francine's birthday before going to bed. Her birthday is actually today. Happy Birthday, Francine! Just one more year, and you're no longer a teen! Wahahaha!
I felt better when I got home, munched on the sinful cream puffs with my sisters (I got the chocolate covered ones, hehe!), answered crossword puzzles until my eyes couldn't stay open anymore.
I know I will feel better, eventually. Just need to keep myself preoccupied. And with my mom's arrival from the U.S. tonight, we will all be busy (Someone hand me a chauffer's cap now because I'm sure that's what I'll be doing till christmas. Ugh!) and covering our ears from all the nagging. Did I tell you that my mom and I are bestfriends again? I sent her an apology email 2 weeks ago and I explained why I was so upset. She called me the following day and acted nonchalant about it. She didn't even mention the email. But she was all friendly and cheery, so I guess she understands now.
About Jay, I don't regret falling in love with him or holding on and sticking it through for as long as I did. Some might say that I wasted 10 months of my year falling inlove in front of a monitor, gushing over the phone and smiling to myself, when I could have gone out with the guys who asked me out (modesty aside, I did get asked out a few times but I declined, naturally). But the thing is, I have never, in my entire life, been more crazy about anyone than him. Jay was sweet, amazing, trusting and he loved my family, which just made me love him all the more. But people change, and while this change he went through has left me broken again, I can't help but think that maybe it's because someone out there can make him happier. And I want him to be happy. Really happy. It's just too bad that that person isn't me.
But it's all good. It will all be good...eventually.
And from the sidelines Watch me fall down And I don’t understand The things I do But I’ll probably be fine As long as I keep moving I’ll try to write it down So things just keep improving Still the words won’t play ’cause there’s no Easy way to say Goodbye, goodbye -Goodbye, Natalia Imbruglia
And I wish I despised him enough to not shed tears.
I wish I had the strength to just hold my head up high, and walk away, feeling numb.
I wish I had the sense to recognize that he has changed. It has been apparent but I made excuses for them, was oblivious to them.
And I know a handful of people who are secretly smiling and whispering, "I told you so."
I know a few people who want to tell me that I shouldn't have held on for as long as I did.
And so maybe, I did bring this upon myself...
I miss him. I sooo miss the old him.
But after yesterday, only a fool would still believe that there is still some love left in him for me.
And that sucks, it hurts.
Christmas won't be too merry. New Year won't be too happy.
I feel wretched. I'm not happy.
But I hope you are now. And have a good life, too.
"I don't know your thoughts these days We're strangers in an empty space I don't understand your heart It's easier to be apart We might as well be strangers in another town We might as well be living in a another time" -We Might As Well Be Strangers, Keane
Bunny @ Monday, December 05, 2005
Because it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
Bunny @ Monday, December 05, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
My heart breaks...
All over again.
"So I wait and I wait And I run myself in the same old circles And I sit and I stare And I run old scenes through my tired head Of the days that we laid on our backs and said forever Was that the best I'll ever be"--Best I'll Ever Be, Sister Hazel
Bunny @ Sunday, December 04, 2005
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for