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Monday, February 06, 2006

The past month has been so unexpectedly hard.

Getting over Jay is hard. And I don't know what else to do, except cry it all out. It feels like its never going to end.

I know this sounds exaggerated but I feel like now that I've lost the best thing in my life, the person I wanted to be with forever--nothing better awaits me so I might as well just mess it all up.

What surprises me is I haven't really done anything I would have normally done, like get drunk. In fact, I haven't had any alcohol for the past month. And the last time I drank, I had red wine while having conversation with an old friend at home. I haven't been going out too and if I do, I just hang out at friend's homes. But gimmicks? Nah.

What scares me is I'm actually content with this kind of life. Going to work, running errands and going home, reading a book until I fall asleep. My own boss has asked me if she could set me up. I declined and said that I'm not ready to go out. The president called me to his office last week and commended me on my performance at work and before the end of this month, I am turning over most of my duties as head of Customer service to one of the people on my team because big boss now wants me to be in Operations. I guess you can call it a promotion of some sort. Whatever.

I guess using work as a diversion to cover-up my sadness has paid off.

I am still so inlove with Jason. And I worry that I will never get rid of these feelings. People keep saying that someone else, someone better will come along. And they're most probably right. Someone out there will probably love me the way Jason did. But I don't think I can ever love anyone that much again. It's like a big part of my heart belongs to Jay now and the next person who comes along will just have to be satisfied with what very very little is left of it. And who would accept leftovers? No one. Which brings me to the very likely prospect of spending my life alone.

I think what pains me the most is that God never gave me the chance to find out how things would work out between me and Jason. Couples who break up should consider themselves darn lucky because at least they know how their story ends. Then, they move on. While I have to live with this neverending yearning for what might have been.

I haven't really blogged about anything substantial in awhile, because I figured it would be better to keep these things to myself. I guess, in a way, I want people to think I'm holding up just fine.

Even if, I am breaking apart by the loss of someone I truly love.

His sister told me that the night after the funeral, she dreamt that Jason was at their house and that he said, "I'm leaving the house, I'm just going to pick up Bunny".

I have wished countless of times that he would.

I've lost my personal reason for existing. Everything I do now is a mere responsibility.

It really hurts.

"I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
I don't know
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you"
--Landslide, Fleetwood Mac

about moi

Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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past bitchings

January 2002February 2002March 2002April 2002May 2002June 2002July 2002August 2002September 2002October 2002November 2002December 2002January 2003April 2003May 2003June 2003July 2003September 2003February 2004March 2004April 2004May 2004June 2004July 2004August 2004September 2004October 2004November 2004December 2004January 2005February 2005March 2005April 2005May 2005June 2005July 2005August 2005September 2005October 2005November 2005December 2005January 2006February 2006March 2006April 2006October 2006November 2006February 2007March 2007April 2007May 2007July 2007October 2007December 2007January 2008September 2009January 2011


blog worthy

Bitch, please
Blue Arden
Born to Ride
Caffeine Rush
Car Driver
Reaching for Chocolate Stars and Sapphire Dreams
Click mo mukha mo!
Closet Introvert
Color in a Gray Cube
Confessions of a Coke Addict
Confessions of an OJT Killer
Creating Space 101
Din's World
Emerald Pastures
Hungry Alien
I came, I saw, I blogged
Intelektwal Interkors
Lavander Kitten
Lone Star Psychedelia
Mighty Girl
Modified Memories
Nocturnal Angel
Not Square
Of Life and Peanuts
One Seater Plane
Pile o'smeg
*Photo Seko
Pinay Hekmi
Purple Beanie
Purple Toes
Renaissance Girl
Rock the Boat
Sabitski Point
Stories Under the Sun
Sunny Side Up
Table for One
Ten Years Later
The Blurb
The Digital Pinoy
The Dork Side
The Ultimate BlogHopper
Tinggay Forever
Undiscussable Realms
Unica Hija
Warcar: no bumper
What a Pansy Fancies
White Sky Project
Wytch's Brew
*freshly added


Platform Wedge Sandals by Michael Kors
Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan

Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in one!)
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in 1!)

quotable quote

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet cxvi

in my book bag

I Know Why the Caged 

Bird Sings by Maya Angelou


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