But I feel better now. I actually don't cry as much but I still think about him all the time.
I'm trying to be happy. Because he told me before that if anything should happen, he would want me to move on but to never forget about him. So, I'm trying. Real hard.
Even praying has been difficult because I cannot help but question God as to why He took Jay away from me hours before he was meeting me. I cannot help but question as to why he would take away the only person who kept me going. I cannot help but keep on asking why he would take away the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the person I waited so long for, the man who brought out the best in me.
Sometimes, I cannot help but wish that Jay took me with him. I don't know what I'm still doing here.
I know God has a plan for all of us, but jeez, what kind of plan does He have for me? I lost my dad, then He brought me this wonderful, amazing guy who I just fell completely inlove with and hours before we were going to be together, He takes him away. Does He want me to be happy or not? Should I take this as a sign that His plan is for me to be alone forever, and that I should start getting used to it?
I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wasn't a little mad at God. I'm sure there's a pretty good reason behind this but I just cannot find it in my heart to accept anything right now.
Jason meant everything to me. And I miss him. I miss how we told each other stories about what happened during our day. I miss hearing him laugh and hearing him tell me how much he loves me. I miss our petty arguments. I miss ticking him off when I have PMS. I miss his little surprises. I miss the way he loves me. And gawd, I'm just...still so inlove with him, it breaks my heart whenever I remind myself that he's gone forever. Those last words deeply hurt.
I miss you, Jay.
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart i carry it in my heart"-- E.E. Cummings
Bunny @ Monday, January 09, 2006
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for