I'm happy to report that the tears have actually stopped. My tear ducts are now on strike. Overworked daw kasi. (har har)
Although I still find myself sad a lot of times, I am a happier, smiling more, person now. I am trying to get past the hurt that was the mishap that happened to Jay.
I've stopped blaming myself for not being physically there for him. I have stopped wishing that I could have done something more. I've learned to accept that Jay needs time to put himself together, to get his bearings straight. And in the process, I'm learning to understand why I didn't hear from him for so long and why he didn't tell me where he was going.
My Uncle, for the longest time, has been trying to drill in my hard, hard, head the importance of letting go and moving on. One of my bestfriends even said that I really need to move on and that it would be unfair for me to hold on when Jay is clearly in a different place. But my stubborn self keeps saying that I can't bring myself to take another step without Jay. I was convinced that I would be stuck, that I would be unmovable and that I would be nailed down to my current state until Jay returned.
The thought of never hearing from him again would be enough to let me buy a bottle of gin, some juice and chips, and drink the afternoon away, in the confinement of my room(which I actually did--was so wasted, I threw up twice. And you didn't really need to know that. Anyway...).
Because the truth is, he was so much a part of me that life made more sense when he was around. I felt like a better version of me, I liked myself more and I felt that people saw that. It was written all over my face--how extremely happy he made me.
And that's why letting go was not an option.
I have always had a problem with letting go. Of things, letters, people. A sentimental fool, yes I am. Which probably explains why I am always the dumpee in a relationship. Ask my exes and they'll tell you that on the verge of breaking up or while having a really big fight, I will always find ways to patch things up. I'm the one who says, "We will work!" or "Please, lets just try again?" and so on. I used to be a firm believer of, "Love is enough". I learned the hard way that it soo isn't. I'm so petrified of letting go that even when men cheat on me, even when they've said unjustifiable things, I forgive and try (albeit unsuccessfully) to forget.
So it goes without saying that I don't handle break-ups very well. Aside from crying buckets of tears, I have a self-destructive side (which, thankfully, I have not seen in the longest time and hopefully, I never have to see again). It takes me a while to get over people. Well, each of my relationships, no matter how screwed up some of them were, are special in their weird little ways.
For the record, Jay and I didn't break up. And thats why letting go is a tad complicated and harder than ever before. Because unlike my other relationships, I had no reason to let go--we didn't have a big fight, no one cheated on anyone, we still care for each other.
My prayers before would find me asking God to make Jay well and to bring him back to me. For the past weeks, I noticed that it has transformed to simply asking Him to make Jay well. I no longer wish him back. In fact, I've already convinced myself that he's never going to return. Now, more than anything else, I just want him to feel better about himself. I just want him to be happy. I just want him to get himself back. And I think that thats the true meaning of letting go-- its not just letting go of the person per se, it also includes releasing your desires to be with a person. Willingly, whole-heartedly, without expecting anything in exchange or in return. It's a rather selfless act. And it took a long time before I found it in my heart to accept that.
I finally heard from Jay a couple of days ago. He said that he misses me, that he hopes I'm fine, that he's sorry for putting me through this, that he was messed up and he needed to get away to recover. And that he'll talk to me soon.
In the words of Martin Luther King, "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
Amen to that.
Bunny @ Friday, August 05, 2005
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for