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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

A LITTLE SECRET



I have no desire to write.



Eventhough I know that now is the perfect time to just put everything I feel into words.



Because in the past, it has always worked that way. Writing has always been and I feel that it will always be, my outlet. This blog has always been my release.



I have always been good at hiding my tears, an art I have mastered. Even the best of my friends will tell you that they have almost never seen me cry. I don't want people to see me cry because it shows weakness. And so whenever my tear ducts cannot help but overflow, I empty them out alone, in the comforts of my own blue room.



One of the things I've always wished I could do was hide my emotions. Tears, I can disguise (like last week when the head of the tech dept. saw me crying while staring at the monitor and when he asked me why, all I said was, "I'm not crying. Just sleepy." *fake yaawwwnn*), but emotions, I have a hard time concealing.



I've been practicing it lately and dare I say, that I have actually been getting better at it. I don't think people know.



I don't think they see that I am carrying something so heavy in my heart that I cry everyday. This is worse than trying to get over a breakup. Consuming alcohol doesn't work. Climbing doesn't take my mind off it. Being in the water (swam in Anilao last weekend after the climb), which normally elates me, just makes me more sad and more pensive. I don't think they know that I have to ask God everyday what it was that I did that was soooo bad for him to do this to someone I care so deeply about. Looking at the sky, which normally cheers me up, just doesn't work for me anymore.



I bet they don't know that I refuse to open my planner because it breaks my heart to read the things that are supposed to be happening this time of the month. But whenever I do open it so I can write down things I need to remember for work, I try with all my might to be oblivious to the other things that are written.



This was supposed to be...well, the happiest moment of my year...my life, maybe. But well...oh well. I knew there was a catch. Everything was too good to be true anyway. No relationship could ever sail sooo perfectly smooth the way Jay and mine does.



For a time it was good that almost nobody knew. For a time, it was great that I could mask the sadness and perfect my smile (according to one mountaineer last weekend, kita na daw molars ko..if only he knew...).



But one can only wear make-up for so long.



So there. I give in. I just gave myself away. There goes my little secret.



But here's another one: I haven't lost hope. I will never lose hope. Things will get better, I KNOW. I so know it.

about moi


Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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past bitchings

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blog worthy

Ananova
Babygirl
Beabear
Bitch, please
Blue Arden
Born to Ride
Burberrified
Caffeine Rush
Caramba!
Car Driver
Cheesedip
Chel
Chona
Reaching for Chocolate Stars and Sapphire Dreams
Click mo mukha mo!
Closet Introvert
Color in a Gray Cube
Confessions of a Coke Addict
Confessions of an OJT Killer
Creating Space 101
D'fukc
Deniseye
Din's World
Emerald Pastures
Fran
Francine
Rene
Hungry Alien
IMODO.COM
I came, I saw, I blogged
*Incoherent
Intelektwal Interkors
K
Lavander Kitten
Lone Star Psychedelia
Meatloafster
Memento
Mighty Girl
Modified Memories
Monchers
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Not Square
Odette
Of Life and Peanuts
One Seater Plane
Peepai
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Rock the Boat
Sabitski Point
Shai
Stories Under the Sun
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Table for One
Ten Years Later
The Blurb
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Tinggay Forever
Undiscussable Realms
Unica Hija
Vea
Vikkicar
Warcar: no bumper
What a Pansy Fancies
White Sky Project
Wytch's Brew
*freshly added

wishlist

Platform Wedge Sandals by Michael Kors
Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan

Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in one!)
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in 1!)

quotable quote

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet cxvi

in my book bag

I Know Why the Caged 

Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

credits

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