::S p U n K y D a i S y::

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

BACK

'I have to just stop being sad. And just try living again.', I told myself as I was leaving the office yesterday afternoon.

Was it brought about by the increase (albeit, not so big) I got (a raise is a raise so that's something to be happy about)? Or by the pretty good evaluation I received at work? Uhmmm...I don't think so.

As soon as I got to my room, I took my favorite book from my shelf (for those who haven't read it, I strongly and seriously suggest you get a copy) and just randomly opened it. And the first word that catches my eye is this: DETACH.

"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent."

"Detachment doesn't mean that you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head, even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment..."

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

I've been mopey and poignant for the past...I don't know. And it's amazing how much tears one can cry out. You think your tear ducts would dry but noooo...I don't think I've cried everyday for this long before.

I remember telling my Dad before that the nice thing about hitting rock bottom is you have nowhere else to go but up and I think I've sunk to my lowest (I was on a week-long shopping spree! And retail has never really been my therapy of choice so that's how I knew that this sadness was of a different level). And I think it's high time I climb my way back up.

Truth is, I'm still feeling a little somber. And all this is really super easier said than done. I am still worried about Jay. I miss him sooo much that the past 2 weeks without him has made me feel like I was running on empty. Kulang. Sobrang kulang. And I'm looking for other means to fill up the emptiness but nothing and no one could ever fit the puzzle as perfectly as Jay, simply because he is the missing piece.

Not being sad anymore doesn't mean I am giving up or letting go. God knows how much I love him (if only there was a stronger word than love) and call me crazy but I KNOW he still feels the same way. I trust that what we have is so strong, a hurdle like this won't let it dwindle. Besides, I know Jay wouldn't want me sad or depressed over this.

In the words of my friend, Luis, "Uy Bunny got her groove back!"

Yes, I did.

I welcome me back!

To everyone who sent me messages on YM, cheerful emails and text messages, thanks!

Bunny @ Wednesday, June 29, 2005

about moi

Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, ~~wonders when she'll quit smoking~~, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much ~~(if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first)~~. Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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