And so they say. I've always been very inquisitive about things, always wanting to find an answer to each question, always wanting to find reason in everything that happens, always trying to find meaning in events.
After more than a month, I went back to my apartment in Pasig yesterday afternoon to start moving our stuff back home. On my way there, I was deep in thought about how my life is really changing this year and I started to delve on how all these changes began. And my impertinent self attempted to unravel the reasons behind this metamorphosis, that is my life.
I try to be rational all the time, knowing that there is a logical explanation for everything that occurs, good or bad. But if there has been one event in my life that I never really found a justified reason for happening, it is the death of my father. I know I also lost my crazy and wonderful Lola early last year, and don't get me wrong, I'm also not happy about that but I've learned to acccept that she was really sick and old and that she just had to go. Its a very different case with Papa. I know I don't say it, I know it probably doesn't show, but I'm still not over his demise. I still find myself thinking about him many moments each day. And it is now, when I am really happy that I begin to miss him more. Because there is nothing in the world that I want to do more but to just share this happiness with him. And it breaks my heart that there is no way I will be able to do so.
I'm still trying to figure out why someone who was only 54 and someone who was just about to get his life back on track would leave so soon. He wasn't seriously ill, he still had a good life ahead of him, he still had daughters who needed him, he wasn't even a grandfather yet and still, he was taken away. Where's the justice in that?After a million attempts since he passed away, I once again tried to search for an explanation as to why Papa had to go. And guess what? I finally did.
If Papa was here, I would probably still live in Pasig, I never would have moved back home. If Papa was still alive, I would never consider leaving this country to try my luck in the States. Because I would never be able to stomach the fact that he would be left here alone. And so, yeah, I finally found a satisfying, agreeable and convincing answer to the one question that has left me in the dark for so many months now. He had to go because he wanted me to be happy. And that is sooo like my Dad, to give something up for his children's happiness and betterment.
And while I was taking my clothes out of the closet (didn't realize I had so many skirts and dresses! Am I a girly girl or what!?!), pulling them out of their hangers and stuffing them in bags, it dawned on me that there's a chance I'll be doing this again this year. Considering the amount of time I spend travelling and going out of town, I should have mastered this art by now. Not really. I saw a lot of stuff I don't use anymore (Oh my gawd...I once wore this ugly thing? Yuck!), stuff I still want to use but because I've put on some weight in the last couple of years, they don't fit me anymore (dang! those were good times, good times.), stuff I've never used (I forgot I had this! *makes mental note to use it one of these days*) and then there were items that still fit, but I just didn't want them anymore. They no longer have room in my life. And then of course, there are things that just needed to stay because I still need them, because I still love them, because they make me feel and look good, because one day, I will find use for them, because they are the staples in my closet.
And life is like that. There will come a point where you have to reasses everything, run through every facet, every minute detail, and think, do I still want this? I may want it, but do I really need it? Being the sentimental fool that I am, I have trouble getting rid of things from my past, but sometimes, you just have to. A chapter has to be closed for you to be able to move on to the next. And then there are things we havent seen for a while, they can be hobbies or people, even. And so we make mental notes to do them and see them again, to catch up on them. There are also the stuff that we simply need in our lives, family and good friends who have always been there for us, people who we know have contributed to the person that we are now, people who have touched and are continuing to touch our hearts. And there is no way we're getting rid of them. Ever. Eventually, we find ourselves shopping again for new things. So we meet new friends, find new jobs, get into new sports and hobbies, fall inlove all over again (whilst crossing our fingers that this one will last) and there's really no telling if they will eventually become a "must-have", if they'll be the others who came and went before or if they'll eventually be one of those things we'll end up getting rid of.
Life, indeed, goes on. It changes. And all we can do is embrace it. I will continue to think about Papa and about how truly wonderful he is but this time, I will no longer question the loss of the greatest man in my life. Instead, I will find comfort in knowing that this was something he was ready to do, something he had to give way to. And tell me, isn't that LOVE in its purest form?
Miss you, Pa. Thanks for loving us that much.
HAPPY WEEKEND, everyone!
Bunny @ Saturday, January 29, 2005
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about moi
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for
dinner.
