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Tuesday, January 18, 2005


*I wrote this Saturday morning before leaving for my climb.

2004 ended with me looking back at the girl I used to be. 2004 also said goodbye with a million questions in my head. Am I content with who I am now? What should I be doing more? What should I be avoiding, changing and improving on?

Truth is, I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age. I remember a question I was posed with in high school (and I’m pretty sure you guys have also been asked this before), “Where or how do you see yourself 10 years from now?” My answers then were, “I’d have a stable career, I would have made a name for myself in my industry of choice, I’d be married with a wonderful kid…or two. I’ll be happy and fulfilled. I might even have my own business. And I’d be fatter due to “baby weight” brought on by my pregnancy/ies.”

Have I made a name for myself? No. Am I married? No. Do I run my own business? No. Am I fatter? Yes. But sadly, it was not caused by anyone’s birth.

I am turning 26 in 3 months. And I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be, where I thought I would be. You’d probably be saying that its okay. That when I answered that question a decade ago, I was just an innocent 15-year-old who didn’t know much about life yet, who didn’t know what she was going to be faced with. Heck, I didn’t even fall inlove until I was 16.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I disappoint me. I’m not really proud of me. On the other hand, I’ve always been a firm believer that what really matters is how you’ve fought the war, that is, life and its obstacles. So even if things don’t pan out the way you would like them to be, that’s fine. As long as you did your best. At the end of the day, that’s what matters, right?

We’re all destined to be someone, to do something. Wasn’t it the Bible that said that God has our lives written in the palm of his hands? And that He has a plan for each of us? And that it is good?

My dear, sweet, God, I would sure like to know what that magnificent plan is.

So, the past week has got me delving about all these things. It was furthermore evoked by my favorite uncle who told me a few days ago that when things don't seem to be going the way you want them to be, when life is stagnant, sometimes all its needs is an overhaul. A major change. That more often than not, change will do you good.

And yesterday, it dawned on me. I always want to go somewhere. I’m always running off to some place out of town. On weekends, you’ll usually only find me in 2 places: on a mountain top or at the beach. I’m always making travel plans. I always want to leave.

What if I was meant to be somewhere else? There has to be some reason why I love travelling, other than just wanting to experience different places and folks. What if I wasn't fated to be here, in this country?

A million people are leaving our country each day. All of them, in search for greener pasture. And I’ve always believed that there is no pasture greener than the Philippines. And I’ve always been very adamant about my wanting to stay here until the day I die. It’s even the major reason why I refused to move to the States when my mom asked me to. I love this country, corruption, pollution, terrorism and all. I love the Philippines.

But maybe I wasn’t destined to be here. To build my life here. And last night, while pondering on all this, I’ve decided that if by next year, I still don't see that my career is headed somewhere and if I still don’t have plans of settling down, I will move to the States. And I will try to see what the land of the free and the home of the brave holds for me.

And that's the gameplan.

about moi

Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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*freshly added


Platform Wedge Sandals by Michael Kors
Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan

Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in one!)
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in 1!)

quotable quote

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet cxvi

in my book bag

I Know Why the Caged 

Bird Sings by Maya Angelou


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