When two people fall inlove, albeit having a number of things in common, they will still find a million differences. They are, after all, two different individuals bounded by a love they chose to pursue and nurture. This is where one of the keys to sustaining a relationship comes in: compromise. It is inevitable. But as far as compromising goes, there are limits and deal-breakers. Besides, isn’t too much of something, bad?
I don’t consider myself credible enough to talk about relationships. But based on experience, I have learned the hard way that giving up too much of yourself and the things you loved when you were still single can put a strain in the relationship. It’s the reason why I choose to relish in singledom right now. Because I felt like I lost my real self in my previous relationship and I’m taking this chance to rediscover who I really am. So far, so good. I can even say that I’ve finally gotten myself back.
I believe that its okay to compromise on habits and vices. Maybe by asking him to quit or cut down on smoking, drinking or going out on weeknights. When it comes to gimmicks, it would be cool to agree on going out with his friends this weekend as long as you can join your friends the next. If he usually comes home or sleeps late, I find nothing wrong with asking him to hit the sack earlier. Basically, you have his best interest at heart, you want what’s best for him and the relationship.
There are things, though, that should not be compromised and bargained. Like lets say, he plays basketball every Sunday. I don’t think its fair for you to stop him from doing that just so you can spend more time with him. Keep in mind that while the two of you are a couple, you are still separate entities. I think it was in Sex and the City where I heard Carrie say that we shouldn’t put our single selves on a shelf when we’re in a relationship with someone. Amen to that.
I’ve heard how some people can go to the extent of shifting careers, settling on being housewives, changing religions, moving to another country, giving up their life’s savings, etc. just to make the relationship work. And you know what, that’s okay. That’s what happens when we truly love someone. We’ll do anything we can to make them happy. But among the many things I am willing to negotiate, there are only 3 things that I will never, ever, ever be eager to compromise: my values, my family and my friends.
When a good friend who is in a new relationship informed me yesterday that we should lay low on our texting because he has to compromise with his brand new girlfriend and that he hopes that I would understand, its just that he has to do this until she feels certain about him, a tsunami of emotions swept over me. I honestly felt hurt, pissed, disappointed and insulted. I didn't know what bothered me more, the fact that his gf (who I met only once and all we ever exchanged was a "hi" and a smile) didn't like me when I had never done her wrong or the fact that this person who I considered such a great and smart friend would agree to this settlement. Had I not been that good a friend to him that he could afford to shut me out of his life? I mean, I'd understand if I was his ex-girlfriend but jeez, I'm not. If my friend and I wanted to get it on, we would have done so a long time ago, before she even came in the picture. But I have no plans of ever going past friendship with this fellow, so what's the big deal, right?
I'd be a hypocrite if I said that I loved all my exes' friends and that they all loved mine. I remember disliking an ex's good, close girl friend because well, I just didn't like her personality. But because I loved my ex and this girl meant something to him, I tried to find it in my heart to like her and I placed all the negativity at the back of my mind. Unfortunately, my attempts at finding good in her was unsuccessful. I really couldn't take her. Inspite of all this, I never ever told my ex to stop texting her or stop seeing her. And none of my exes ever asked me to stop seeing my friends (male or female) that they weren't exactly fond of.
CNN (codename for friend who I know will end up reading this), I'm sorry I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say, still don't know what to say. I'm sorry you have to find out through this blog. For the record, I am not mad at you or at anyone. I am mainly hurt. My phone is ringing right now and it is you calling me and I'm sorry for deliberately ignoring it. I will do this, I will grant your request, but this doesn't mean that I agree with it. I'm doing this because I respect you and your relationship. Yes, we will always be friends, debate opponents and coffee buddies. And your secrets will always be safe with me (do the same for me, okay?). I know you said that we should just lessen texting but I can't do that. I personally think that's absurd. Is there a quota, like maybe 3 messages per day and 1 call a week? That's absolutely crazy. Are you asking me to become half of a friend? I never do things half-baked so if this is the case, I'd rather put this friendship on hold, if there ever is such a thing. Maybe until your girlfriend feels sure about how you feel for her. I'm so sorry, I cannot compromise my friendship with you or with anyone, for that matter. Your correspondent is signing off. For now.
Bunny @ Monday, January 17, 2005
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for