And so they say. I've always been very inquisitive about things, always wanting to find an answer to each question, always wanting to find reason in everything that happens, always trying to find meaning in events.
After more than a month, I went back to my apartment in Pasig yesterday afternoon to start moving our stuff back home. On my way there, I was deep in thought about how my life is really changing this year and I started to delve on how all these changes began. And my impertinent self attempted to unravel the reasons behind this metamorphosis, that is my life.
I try to be rational all the time, knowing that there is a logical explanation for everything that occurs, good or bad. But if there has been one event in my life that I never really found a justified reason for happening, it is the death of my father. I know I also lost my crazy and wonderful Lola early last year, and don't get me wrong, I'm also not happy about that but I've learned to acccept that she was really sick and old and that she just had to go. Its a very different case with Papa. I know I don't say it, I know it probably doesn't show, but I'm still not over his demise. I still find myself thinking about him many moments each day. And it is now, when I am really happy that I begin to miss him more. Because there is nothing in the world that I want to do more but to just share this happiness with him. And it breaks my heart that there is no way I will be able to do so.
I'm still trying to figure out why someone who was only 54 and someone who was just about to get his life back on track would leave so soon. He wasn't seriously ill, he still had a good life ahead of him, he still had daughters who needed him, he wasn't even a grandfather yet and still, he was taken away. Where's the justice in that?After a million attempts since he passed away, I once again tried to search for an explanation as to why Papa had to go. And guess what? I finally did.
If Papa was here, I would probably still live in Pasig, I never would have moved back home. If Papa was still alive, I would never consider leaving this country to try my luck in the States. Because I would never be able to stomach the fact that he would be left here alone. And so, yeah, I finally found a satisfying, agreeable and convincing answer to the one question that has left me in the dark for so many months now. He had to go because he wanted me to be happy. And that is sooo like my Dad, to give something up for his children's happiness and betterment.
And while I was taking my clothes out of the closet (didn't realize I had so many skirts and dresses! Am I a girly girl or what!?!), pulling them out of their hangers and stuffing them in bags, it dawned on me that there's a chance I'll be doing this again this year. Considering the amount of time I spend travelling and going out of town, I should have mastered this art by now. Not really. I saw a lot of stuff I don't use anymore (Oh my gawd...I once wore this ugly thing? Yuck!), stuff I still want to use but because I've put on some weight in the last couple of years, they don't fit me anymore (dang! those were good times, good times.), stuff I've never used (I forgot I had this! *makes mental note to use it one of these days*) and then there were items that still fit, but I just didn't want them anymore. They no longer have room in my life. And then of course, there are things that just needed to stay because I still need them, because I still love them, because they make me feel and look good, because one day, I will find use for them, because they are the staples in my closet.
And life is like that. There will come a point where you have to reasses everything, run through every facet, every minute detail, and think, do I still want this? I may want it, but do I really need it? Being the sentimental fool that I am, I have trouble getting rid of things from my past, but sometimes, you just have to. A chapter has to be closed for you to be able to move on to the next. And then there are things we havent seen for a while, they can be hobbies or people, even. And so we make mental notes to do them and see them again, to catch up on them. There are also the stuff that we simply need in our lives, family and good friends who have always been there for us, people who we know have contributed to the person that we are now, people who have touched and are continuing to touch our hearts. And there is no way we're getting rid of them. Ever. Eventually, we find ourselves shopping again for new things. So we meet new friends, find new jobs, get into new sports and hobbies, fall inlove all over again (whilst crossing our fingers that this one will last) and there's really no telling if they will eventually become a "must-have", if they'll be the others who came and went before or if they'll eventually be one of those things we'll end up getting rid of.
Life, indeed, goes on. It changes. And all we can do is embrace it. I will continue to think about Papa and about how truly wonderful he is but this time, I will no longer question the loss of the greatest man in my life. Instead, I will find comfort in knowing that this was something he was ready to do, something he had to give way to. And tell me, isn't that LOVE in its purest form?
Miss you, Pa. Thanks for loving us that much.
HAPPY WEEKEND, everyone!
Bunny @ Saturday, January 29, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
EVERY LITTLE THING HE DOES IS MAGIC
And eversince I started reading Sting's book, I'm convinced that every little thing he says is magic, too.
Aside from the fact that he has led a very interesting life, I've been taking note of a lot of lines from his book, because he really writes in a manner that is so beautiful.
Yesterday afternoon, after work, I decided to hang out in Starbucks to catch up on my reading. I'm only halfway through reading his book but I can already tell that this one will be my favorite lines from his book:
"It may be there in a distracted glance out of an open window or in the split second of an absent look when you speak to her, or in the guarded inflections of her voice as she replies, or in the subtle chemistry of touch or smell or the taste of her skin in your mouth, or in some unspecified sixth sense you can't name, but when love is over, its signals are louder than disclosure, if only you are willing and open enough to acknowledge them. But of course we shake off these feelings as if they were mere irritations, as if they were unimportant and uninvited guests at a feast."
Bunny @ Friday, January 28, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
BITS OF HAPPINESS
I've always loved Thursdays because it's a day away from Friday, the last day of the work week. But today is something else. Its barely noon and I already have so many things to be ecstatic about. There are already a lot of things I am sooo thankful for. What a great week it has truly been. In fact, 2005 is turning out to be soo good that I think God is finally making up for all the difficulties and conundrums I went through last year. I can only hope that it stays this wonderful till the year ends...no...make that, till forever. Haha!
* Talking to him was the first thing I did when I woke up. I am smitten!
* Hearing and finding the song that best describes how I've been feeling lately. Sigh.
* Being able to take time out to smell the flowers. Literally. The 2 vases of gorgeous flowers I recieved this week are still so much alive and everyday, before leaving the house and as soon as I get home, I take time out to smell and touch them.
* I was in a tricycle on my way out of the village this morning when the driver turns to me and says, "Bunny? Ikaw na ba yan?". Surprised, I look at him, smile and say, "Mang Ramon! Kumusta na po kayo?" Suddenly, nostalgia swept over me. I spent my gradeschool years in Assumption Antipolo, and yes, believe it or not, I lived all the way in Paranaque. Everyday, my school bus would drop me and a handful of other girls in a busmate's house inside the village and 3 of us would get picked up by Mang Ramon and his tricycle, and he would bring us home. I never really found out why our school bus couldn't just bring us to our respective homes.
"Grabe, dalagang dalaga ka na! Parang kelan lang, liit liit mo pa! Alam mo, may asawa na yung ibang mga kasabay mo nun!", he says.
"Ay talaga po? Pasensya na po hindi ko kayo namukhaan, parang tumaba po kayo eh!"
He laughs. I handed him my money as I was about to get off but he just put his hand on my arm and said, "Bunny, wag na. Ikaw naman yan eh!". I insisted that he accept my payment but he refused to do so. So there, I got to see an old friend and got a free ride going out of the village! Happiness!
* I wasn't late for work!
* Getting a go signal from my Mom to work on my visa so my sister, Marby, and I can go there. And did I tell you she was sooo pleased to know we wanted to go? So excited.
* Told Mom about xxxxx and she is very, very happy for me. Newsflash: I'm so happy for me too! Hahaha!
* My uncle telling me that my mom's cool about Marby and I staying with him in San Francisco instead of with her in Chicago. Yaaaayyy!!!
* The very cute skirt I am wearing today. Hahaha! Shallow, noh?
* And oh, it's PAYDAY!!! At least for us! hahaha!
Will add more today if anything else comes up. I'm on a natural high!
Hope everyone's day is just as good! Happy Thursday!!!!
Bunny @ Thursday, January 27, 2005
If you're feeling a bit down today and you need a good laugh, check this out!
*cringe* What's up with the come hither look, Mr. Gates? Hahahahaha!
Bunny @ Thursday, January 27, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Last year was such a bad year for relationships that I found myself being cynical about love or the mere possibility of ever finding someone who will make me happy. I saw men as scums of the earth, egotistic cowards who don't know what they want, hungry chauvinistic pigs who will always want their cake and eat it too.
2004 left me exhausted from crying over heartaches, from dating and liking men who wasted my time and toyed with my emotions. I welcomed 2005 vowing to never, ever allow a man to confuse me again.
So I started building these walls around me and I made darn sure they were almost indestructible and strong. I was the king and queen of my own kingdom, guard of my own gates, the general of my own army. I was not going to allow anyone to as much as, take a teeny peek into what was behind these great, majestic, impenetrable walls. When the truth is, inside is a girl secretly hoping that someone will be brave enough to use every artillery known to man to break the walls down. Inside, lay a girl, fervently praying that someone would have the heart to believe that something beautiful and very much worth it was lurking behind the cold, ugly, rock-hard walls. Go on, give it your best shot. I'd like to see you try.
Among all the changes that have happened from late 2004 (my dad's passing away, moving back home, wanting to move to the US), this is one that came very unexpectedly. Dare I say, that it seems like everything is falling right into place.
And slowly, ever so carefully, I can see. There is a someone, who is very gently, taking down the walls that I took so long to built. In tiny, baby steps, he is bringing them down, one by one, piece by piece. And surprisingly, the supposedly brave girl inside, can only sit back, stare and watch in awe...
She is smiling but at the same time, she is very scared...
And all this girl can muster to do, while watching in amazement as her walls are slowly being tore down, is cross her fingers, close her eyes, and hope against hope that he is worth it.
P.S. He sent me flowers AGAIN today.
I could get used to this, you know. Hahaha!
Bunny @ Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Was minding my own business at work when I hear my officemates squealing and saying, "Kanino yan?" Curious, I turn around and see our funny messenger, Cleto, in front of me holding a beautiful bouquet of colorful flowers, daisies included.
(More squeals from colleagues)
"Bunny, matagal ko na sana gusto sabihin sayo to, mahal kita eh!", Cleto declares.
I laugh really hard and tell him not to joke around.
And thats when he tells me that someone sent me flowers. Grabbed the card immediately and read: Hope you love them, xxxxx.
H A P P I N E S S ! ! !*rubs cheekbones that ache from smiling too much*
Love the daisies, the hot pink, light pink and yellow carnations (my 2nd favorite flowers, did you know?), the lavender and yellow mums and every little bit of this bouquet. This picture doesn't do justice to how gorgeous my flowers are.
Bunny @ Monday, January 24, 2005
RED AS BEETS
Gerbera daises are my favorite flowers. The mere sight of one daisy is guaranteed to cheer me up. What more if someone gives me one, right?
So imagine my delight when I recieved a big, big, rainbow-colored bouquet of pretty, cheerful daisies with yellow and pink carnations, mums and some other flowers that I cannot name!
What makes this all the more special is that they came from someone I like. Very much.
Big thanks and big Hmmppphh!! (haha!) to Charo for acting as co-conspirator to all of this.
You --you know who you are. Thanks! You.are.such.a.sweetie!
I am tickled pink. I am in seventh heaven. So, so unlikely for a Monday.
And my favorite Uncle and this blog is this perpetrator.
I've been smiling 24/7 for how many days now. Because of him.
I want to tell you guys in detail but this is something so special, I want to keep it to myself.
But he's making me very, very happy!
It just feels very strange, odd and bizarre.
I'm just really happy!
Bunny @ Sunday, January 23, 2005
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I had plans this weekend. I made plans to go with an old friend and his group to Anilao, Batangas to climb Gulugod Baboy and hit the beach for some snorkeling after. I was really looking forward to this until my mountaineer buddy, Jun, tells me that our med mission/outreach program in Gen. Nakar in Infanta, Quezon which was scheduled for next weekend was moved to today and Sunday.
So I called Ferdz and told him that I had to pass at the last minute. Then, I called the NGO for details of the outreach. Everything was pretty much settled until she informed us late last night that there were transpo problems and the outreach was cancelled. PPffffttt...
I could have called Ferdz again to ask him if I can still join but I was too shy to do so.
Not mine. But I cant seem to decide if I would wish I was his ex because it would be amazing and heart-warming to have someone write about the way he feels about me in the way that he does. Yet on the other hand, I'd probably end up feeling really bad knowing that I had hurt someone so deeply.
He is to blame for my unproductive day at work yesterday because I spent half of the day reading his online journal from start to finish. I was completely enthralled by his writing. Like a moth to a flame, I clung on every word and sentence. I honestly fell inlove with how this guy writes and thinks. Hands down. I wish I could write the way he does.
If you were given a second chance with the one that got away, the person that you really want to be with, but it would mean being under very complicated circumstances, would you go for it?
I'm seriously thinking about it.
Bunny @ Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
*I wrote this Saturday morning before leaving for my climb.
2004 ended with me looking back at the girl I used to be. 2004 also said goodbye with a million questions in my head. Am I content with who I am now? What should I be doing more? What should I be avoiding, changing and improving on?
Truth is, I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age. I remember a question I was posed with in high school (and I’m pretty sure you guys have also been asked this before), “Where or how do you see yourself 10 years from now?” My answers then were, “I’d have a stable career, I would have made a name for myself in my industry of choice, I’d be married with a wonderful kid…or two. I’ll be happy and fulfilled. I might even have my own business. And I’d be fatter due to “baby weight” brought on by my pregnancy/ies.”
Have I made a name for myself? No. Am I married? No. Do I run my own business? No. Am I fatter? Yes. But sadly, it was not caused by anyone’s birth.
I am turning 26 in 3 months. And I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be, where I thought I would be. You’d probably be saying that its okay. That when I answered that question a decade ago, I was just an innocent 15-year-old who didn’t know much about life yet, who didn’t know what she was going to be faced with. Heck, I didn’t even fall inlove until I was 16.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I disappoint me. I’m not really proud of me. On the other hand, I’ve always been a firm believer that what really matters is how you’ve fought the war, that is, life and its obstacles. So even if things don’t pan out the way you would like them to be, that’s fine. As long as you did your best. At the end of the day, that’s what matters, right?
We’re all destined to be someone, to do something. Wasn’t it the Bible that said that God has our lives written in the palm of his hands? And that He has a plan for each of us? And that it is good?
My dear, sweet, God, I would sure like to know what that magnificent plan is.
So, the past week has got me delving about all these things. It was furthermore evoked by my favorite uncle who told me a few days ago that when things don't seem to be going the way you want them to be, when life is stagnant, sometimes all its needs is an overhaul. A major change. That more often than not, change will do you good.
And yesterday, it dawned on me. I always want to go somewhere. I’m always running off to some place out of town. On weekends, you’ll usually only find me in 2 places: on a mountain top or at the beach. I’m always making travel plans. I always want to leave.
What if I was meant to be somewhere else? There has to be some reason why I love travelling, other than just wanting to experience different places and folks. What if I wasn't fated to be here, in this country?
A million people are leaving our country each day. All of them, in search for greener pasture. And I’ve always believed that there is no pasture greener than the Philippines. And I’ve always been very adamant about my wanting to stay here until the day I die. It’s even the major reason why I refused to move to the States when my mom asked me to. I love this country, corruption, pollution, terrorism and all. I love the Philippines.
But maybe I wasn’t destined to be here. To build my life here. And last night, while pondering on all this, I’ve decided that if by next year, I still don't see that my career is headed somewhere and if I still don’t have plans of settling down, I will move to the States. And I will try to see what the land of the free and the home of the brave holds for me.
I didn't have pictures then but now I do!!! Yipee!!! (Click on the thumbnails for a bigger view)
Hanging out at Sir Nicky's tree house before the climb
At the hanging bridge
Baka, baka yun?
Take five! Resting...
After about an hour of trekking in the heat of the sun, we finally came face to face with Mt. Talamitam. Gorgeous, noh?
The climb going up was not that easy, I tell you. We had to take very high steps, our knees were already kissing the ground.
We got to the summit just in time for the breathtaking sunset. Now, this is one of the things I love about climbing, I always get a different view of the sky.
Picture taking at the summit, the next morning
The very excruciating descent. I know I'm smiling in this picture but deep inside, I was tired and suffering from a hang-over. I held on to the cogon grasses beside me for dear life all the way down. Very, very steep descent but very much worth it. Check out the view behind me!
3 friends and I took a refreshing dip in this river before heading back to Sir Nicky's house for lunch.
These served as our plates for lunch last Sunday. They're made of the stems/stalks of the banana tree. The locals of Brgy.Bayabasan prepared this for us. Ingenious, isn't it?
Till the next climb.
Bunny @ Monday, January 17, 2005
When two people fall inlove, albeit having a number of things in common, they will still find a million differences. They are, after all, two different individuals bounded by a love they chose to pursue and nurture. This is where one of the keys to sustaining a relationship comes in: compromise. It is inevitable. But as far as compromising goes, there are limits and deal-breakers. Besides, isn’t too much of something, bad?
I don’t consider myself credible enough to talk about relationships. But based on experience, I have learned the hard way that giving up too much of yourself and the things you loved when you were still single can put a strain in the relationship. It’s the reason why I choose to relish in singledom right now. Because I felt like I lost my real self in my previous relationship and I’m taking this chance to rediscover who I really am. So far, so good. I can even say that I’ve finally gotten myself back.
I believe that its okay to compromise on habits and vices. Maybe by asking him to quit or cut down on smoking, drinking or going out on weeknights. When it comes to gimmicks, it would be cool to agree on going out with his friends this weekend as long as you can join your friends the next. If he usually comes home or sleeps late, I find nothing wrong with asking him to hit the sack earlier. Basically, you have his best interest at heart, you want what’s best for him and the relationship.
There are things, though, that should not be compromised and bargained. Like lets say, he plays basketball every Sunday. I don’t think its fair for you to stop him from doing that just so you can spend more time with him. Keep in mind that while the two of you are a couple, you are still separate entities. I think it was in Sex and the City where I heard Carrie say that we shouldn’t put our single selves on a shelf when we’re in a relationship with someone. Amen to that.
I’ve heard how some people can go to the extent of shifting careers, settling on being housewives, changing religions, moving to another country, giving up their life’s savings, etc. just to make the relationship work. And you know what, that’s okay. That’s what happens when we truly love someone. We’ll do anything we can to make them happy. But among the many things I am willing to negotiate, there are only 3 things that I will never, ever, ever be eager to compromise: my values, my family and my friends.
When a good friend who is in a new relationship informed me yesterday that we should lay low on our texting because he has to compromise with his brand new girlfriend and that he hopes that I would understand, its just that he has to do this until she feels certain about him, a tsunami of emotions swept over me. I honestly felt hurt, pissed, disappointed and insulted. I didn't know what bothered me more, the fact that his gf (who I met only once and all we ever exchanged was a "hi" and a smile) didn't like me when I had never done her wrong or the fact that this person who I considered such a great and smart friend would agree to this settlement. Had I not been that good a friend to him that he could afford to shut me out of his life? I mean, I'd understand if I was his ex-girlfriend but jeez, I'm not. If my friend and I wanted to get it on, we would have done so a long time ago, before she even came in the picture. But I have no plans of ever going past friendship with this fellow, so what's the big deal, right?
I'd be a hypocrite if I said that I loved all my exes' friends and that they all loved mine. I remember disliking an ex's good, close girl friend because well, I just didn't like her personality. But because I loved my ex and this girl meant something to him, I tried to find it in my heart to like her and I placed all the negativity at the back of my mind. Unfortunately, my attempts at finding good in her was unsuccessful. I really couldn't take her. Inspite of all this, I never ever told my ex to stop texting her or stop seeing her. And none of my exes ever asked me to stop seeing my friends (male or female) that they weren't exactly fond of.
CNN (codename for friend who I know will end up reading this), I'm sorry I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say, still don't know what to say. I'm sorry you have to find out through this blog. For the record, I am not mad at you or at anyone. I am mainly hurt. My phone is ringing right now and it is you calling me and I'm sorry for deliberately ignoring it. I will do this, I will grant your request, but this doesn't mean that I agree with it. I'm doing this because I respect you and your relationship. Yes, we will always be friends, debate opponents and coffee buddies. And your secrets will always be safe with me (do the same for me, okay?). I know you said that we should just lessen texting but I can't do that. I personally think that's absurd. Is there a quota, like maybe 3 messages per day and 1 call a week? That's absolutely crazy. Are you asking me to become half of a friend? I never do things half-baked so if this is the case, I'd rather put this friendship on hold, if there ever is such a thing. Maybe until your girlfriend feels sure about how you feel for her. I'm so sorry, I cannot compromise my friendship with you or with anyone, for that matter. Your correspondent is signing off. For now.
Bunny @ Monday, January 17, 2005
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
FEELING PESSIMISTIC TODAY
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so
vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that
someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt... gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love."---Neil Gaiman
Bunny @ Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
FAIRY GODS-GIFT-TO-ME UNCLE
Cinderella had a fairy godmother. Although we both lost our dads, I am nothing like her. I have no wicked sisters, only amazing and sometimes annoying ones. The closest person I had to a stepmother (and we weren't even THAT close) was my dad's girlfriend who was far from evil. I don't have rats for friends (I loathe them!). I don't believe that one day my prince charming will come to rescue me (maybe I'll be the one to rescue him? hehe!). You will never catch me wearing glass slippers and I would never be as so careless to lose a shoe. Lastly, I don't have a fairy Godmother.
I, on the other hand, have an uncle. A fairy Gods-gift-to-me uncle. Freddie. (He doesn't like it when I call him Uncle. Says it makes him feel old. Which he is so not.)
He gave me my Palm Pilot and just recently, he asked me what I wanted from the U.S. as he was sending a box full of goodies for us. Went to target.com to check out stuff and emailed him a list of the items that I liked. The next day, he messages me in YM and tells me that Target is a cheap store and that I should look in Nordstrom's or Macy's instead. And to also check out the stuff in Banana Republic, Gap and Old Navy.
Am I lucky or am I lucky? Hehe!
And then when I posted my Galera pictures (yes, he reads my blog. Hi Freddie!), he messages me again in YM and says, "If you're going to post pictures, you might as well post nice ones (pertaining to the quality of the photo, not the subjects). And that's why I'm sending you a digital camera!"
I've been clapping my hands in utter delight for the past week.
But today was the biggest surprise of all. He's making one of my dreams come true. I have a list of places I have to visit before I die. And come May, I am scratching one of those places off my list. No, it ain't Brazil. Neither is it Morocco or Cambodia. Or Spain. Or Bora-bora. In about 4 months, I'll be visiting the beautiful and interesting country of Vietnam! Woohoo! Hooray! Yipee! Yehay! Yihaaa! *does the dance of joy* I'll be going there with him and his family (Hi Thao, Dylan and ET--I hope you're not crying anymore). He's invited me and my sister, Marby, to come along.
Bunny @ Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Monday, January 10, 2005
IN PAPA'S WORDS
Sunshine, Tashi and I went jogging last night and while running, I mentioned that I'm climbing Mt. Sembrano (again!) this coming weekend and that I am leading the climb (yipee!). Then, she asked why I climb with MESAU, when I'm not from Adamson University naman. I said that the group's fine with me joining them for climbs and that they've all become really good friends. I said, "Walang kaarte-arte. Totoong tao, hindi fake."
She stopped, looked at me and said, "Papa, is that you?"
I gave her a puzzled look and that's when she explained that our Dad used the exact words to describe his girlfriend, Tita Irene.
"Are you sure you didn't hear that from Papa?", she asked again.
"Nope, those are my own words", I replied.
"Anak ka nga ni Papa", she answered back.
Bunny @ Monday, January 10, 2005
NEW YEAR IN PUERTO GALERA
Me and my girls (Too bad my other sister, Marby wasn't able to join us on this trip)
THE 4 B's: Bunny, Beach, Beer and a Book
I love my name!
Just me and the sea
Bunny @ Monday, January 10, 2005
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Here are some pictures of my very very adorable yet feisty (like me!) Lhasa Apso, Tashi.
I just so love this picture of our shobe, Sunshine and Tashi. Lovers or friends? hehe!
Tashi and his Mommy!!! (Can you see the resemblance? Haha!)
Bunny @ Sunday, January 09, 2005
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Weeks ago, my friend, Carla told me that guys may feel intimidated by me as I am more independent compared to most women and sometimes, my personality comes off as strong and I seem to be unperturbable and together. I was taken aback by this and I retorted to telling her that if, I, indeed appear that way, what in heaven's name was so wrong with that? I always thought that being able to survive on your own by your own means, being brave and confident was a good thing. It's supposed to be a strength...something that people admire about you. It's supposed to attract people, not repel them. Besides, who wants to be with a needy chick? or guy, for that matter. Au contraire!
She then explained that sometimes, if you really like a guy, you need to pull the damsel in distress act. She should know, she's done it. And it works.
Woah-ho! Stop. There is no way on earth I am putting up a front that my life is a complete mess and that I need a man to sweep in and help me clean it all up.
She stresses that men have this desire to feel needed by women. Whether it be little things like asking him to help you do your groceries or needing a ride home in the middle of the night or asking him to check on your car or moving stuff. Whatever it is, he needs to know and feel that there is room for him in your life. That you need them. It feeds their ego (their already large ego, you mean). It makes them feel more of a man.
Ugh. She has a point though, doesn't she? Still, ugh.
I was reading this book and there's a part where the guy tells the heroine that he likes his women damaged. The heroine laughs and tells him that he just longs to be needed.
I brought it up with one of my bestfriends and she gasps and says, "Oh my gawd! I just realized that I do that with guys I like. Unconsciously, though."
Just before Christmas, I asked my friend's boyfriend about this...uh...theory and he kept nodding his head while I expounded on the topic. I remember him telling me that if there was anyone I liked at that moment, maybe I should ask that guy to help me with my Christmas shopping. Hellooooo, this is shopping we're talking about. If there's anyone in the world who doesn't need help shopping, it's me! Or any other girl for that matter. And the last person I would ask shopping help from would be a man! Unless, he's a wonderful gay guy who has great taste in fashion. Or unless he is Colin Farrell or someone equally yummy who will hold my hand, put his arms around me and kiss me while I hop from store to store. Ooohh la laaaa, I have started fantasizing. Erase erase. Let's focus on the subject at hand.
As I was saying....(Hehehe!)
This was furthermore confirmed by another guy friend, Gibs, who said that generally, men dig this. And last night, while talking to J over the phone, he half agrees (maybe more than half) and also uses the word "generally". When they say "it's generally true", what does that really, really mean? does that mean as a whole? So is it true, then? J also adds that some men like being the hero to the girl they like. And some men simply find a girl more attainable or easier to get when they're in distress. )Translate as: men take advantage of women when they are vulnerable.) And that of course, it's nice to be needed.
I can't help but wonder. What if I'm not a damsel in distress (and I honestly don't think I am)? And if and when I do need a man to do something for me, I have wonderful male friends who I can always rely on. What if I don't need to be saved from anything? (And if I do, God knows I'd rather do it myself) What if I only make a man feel I need them after I've fallen hopelessly inlove with them? Or when I'm in a relationship with them already? Will that lessen my chances of being liked? of finding love? of love finding me?
I can never pull the damsel in distress act. For the simple reason that it is not me. I have nothing against women who purposefully do it or women who unconsciously do. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? All I'm saying is, it ain't my style and I doubt if it will ever be.
And if this is true, then may I just say that men truly confuse me. They hate it when women are needy and clingy. And then apparently, they also don't like it when you're not. A classic example of "damn if you do, damn if you don't". Mars, make up your marbles!
Bunny @ Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Sunday, January 02, 2005
I DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL BOTHER...
But what the heck, it's just a date. Just a set-up. It's not like I'm required to marry them.
I have obviously scratched out the possibility of finding, as Carrie of Sex in the City put it,"Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" in set-ups and blind dates. But my friends are insisting that I go out with other men. That it would be good for me. Besides, it wouldn't hurt to expand the network a little bit, riggghhttt?
Guy #1 is an IT guy who works for a multinational company. He travels a lot and according to my friend, he is dorky...in a cute way. I like dorky looking guys. Oh, and this guy is mega-O.C. I wonder how that date will turn out.
Guy #2 is my good friend's meditation teacher. He also does Yoga and Ashtanga (wtf is ashtanga, anyway?). Whenever I hear Meditation and Yoga, I immediately think: vegetarian. And anyone who knows me knows that while I love veggies, I am still a carnivore by heart. Thankfully, Mr. Meditation is not a vegetarian. Whew!
We'll see how these dates go.
By the way, I just got back from Puerto Galera with my sisters. What fun, what fun! Will post pictures soon!
And HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!!!
Bunny @ Sunday, January 02, 2005
Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to
climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her
3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi,
constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most
likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes
doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially
big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering
hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving
massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of
being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob
Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with
Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for