Wednesday, November 24, 2004
This is the beginning.
The beginning of something greater, I believe.
I.Am.So.Happy. Happier than the first time I met J. Way happier than the time I discovered the silvanas he left for me. I feel so relieved. I finally have clarity.
The past 2 weeks have been really rough. I've spent most of my time worrying about my friends' problems. 5 of them. All troubled by love. I was their very own, Ate Helen. And I took that as a blessing in disguise because it helped me become oblivious to the dilemmas that I was faced with.
Last night, I had to deal with a friend (she's more like family), who started harboring bad feelings for Aina, my sister and me because we told her that she couldn't move in with us. Even after I explained that our living conditions are not suitable for her 2-year-old son who we adore to teensy weensy bits. Even after I told her that we have no room for our nephew's Yaya. And that they won't have a bed to sleep on. And that our place was just too small. It wasn't that we didn't want to help her, because Lord knows that we do. Thankfully, we were able to resolve things later that night.
Emotionally stressed, I knew I had to get out of the house. I had to be alone. I had to spend time with myself. It's been awhile, you see. And when Aina's ex paid her a surprise visit armed with high hopes to get her back (the attempt was unsuccessful, by the way.), I took that as my cue to leave and give the former lovers some privacy.
Together with my book, my writing notebook, a pen and a pack of cigarettes, I hopped over to Gloria Jean's in CityGolf and found solace in my tall order of Irish Creme coffee. I was texting with J, telling him how funny it was that the name the barista wrote in my cup was "Manny?". Yes, with the question mark. And he replied by calling me "Pare!". Ha-ha.
It was almost half past midnight, Gloria Jean's had closed, and I asked the staff if it was okay for me to hang out for awhile. I was finishing something I was writing when J texted,
J: Where are you?
Me: Gloria Jean's. Citygolf.
J: I'm in Starbucks Metro.
Me: Metro East or Metro Walk?
Me: Nyeah! (we were in the same area pala the whole time) Are they still serving coffee?
J: Nope, they just closed.
Me: Darn. I could use another cup. You want company?
J: I thought you were with your friends? If you want to, it will be appreciated.
Me: No, I'm all alone lang noh. Sige, I'm about done here. I'll go there na lang.
Although J and I were in Eastwood last Saturday with friends, I haven't been out with just him for quite a while. And it was comforting to finally be with someone who, after 10 seconds of seeing me, sincerely asked me how I was doing. I answered him in the only way I knew how--by giving him the truth. And for a change, I was the one doing the talking, he the listening. After telling him about my super eventful week, we started discussing other things. This time, I asked him how he was and he told me what was going on in his life.
Strangely, for the first time ever, I didn't see him as the guy I was falling for. I didn't look at him all starry-eyed and dreamy. I didn't see him as the fellow I had a major crush on. Instead, I saw him as a really, really good friend who I had the best and most fruitful conversations with. And I felt different. It was a good and cozy kind of different. When we moved on to the topic of relationships, we both confessed that there are many times when we do miss having someone but, we both agreed, we don't want to be in relationships right now. That, currently, we just want to enjoy the company of our friends, old and new. And that, like what we were doing at that exact moment, we just wanted to find someone to trust, talk to and have coffee with.
"Buns, Ive been meaning to ask you something."
"What would be the last thing you would say to someone you were falling inlove with?"
"This someone...is he also falling inlove with me?"
"Mahal ka na niya."
"Shit, J. How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Tough Question. You first."
He gave me his answer (our little secret, sorry.) and I gave him mine. Which turned out to be my deepest, darkest secret. Which only a select, un-priveleged few know.
There is something very freaky about being able to trust J so easily. We've warmed up to each other despite only knowing each other for a month.
Starbucks had closed hours ago. The staff had already left. We were the only ones remaining. If the security guard didn't start stacking up chairs noisily, our bums would never have left our seats. And this I know, because he told me so.
Texted him when I got home. Told him that while driving home, it dawned on me that it has really been a while since we last had these conversations. And that I missed it. I thanked him for being so open and trusting. And that I felt like I found a kindred spirit in him.
He answered, saying that he missed talking to me and that he was sure we would be having more of those discussions real soon. And that, grabe, close na talaga kami.
We chatted in YM this morning and it seemed like we were both still suffering from a hang over from last night's conversations.
To feel the way that I am feeling right now was the last thing I thought I would feel. Heck, I expected myself to be devastated. But surprise surprise! I am neither sad, disappointed or disturbed. First word that comes to mind is: Enlightened. But even that is an understatement. I am seriously having trouble explaining and defining these sudden gush of emotions. But I do realize that now, more anything, this is what I need.
Basta, I'm too happy. I've finally hit the brakes. I've stopped falling. I've placed a temporary lid on the bottle of L-O-V-E. But I'm not completely shutting out the whole idea of "being with" him. It's just that, Wow, this is what "no expectations" and "going with the flow" really means pala.
Nothing has changed between us. He still calls me Lovey, I still call him by his term of endearment. We still text each other. He still calls.
I feel like my friendship with J has transcended into something far more exciting that just "dating". There's no telling where this will take us.
No, this is not THE END.
In the words of Ms. Karen Carpenter, "We've only just begun..."