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Thursday, November 11, 2004

*I made this yesterday morning and finished it today. I'm having a hard time coming up with a title so if you guys can suggest ANYTHING, puhhlleeaasseee help!

I was walking up the steps of the MRT this morning when I realized how absolutely blessed I am. And how much I’ve evolved in the past years. And how I’m still finding it hard to believe that I am, who I am now.

Months before I turned 21, my dad told me, “Your life will change before your birthday.” And true enough, a month before my birthday that year, my then boyfriend broke up with me. I was so crushed that I tried to kill myself (what the fuck was I thinking, right?). I coped by going for a swim almost every night and drinking way too much alcohol to temporarily release the pain but would end up waking up the next day hurting and crying even more.

A year and a half later, I fell inlove. Yet again. And I was somehow convinced that he was “The One”. I loved, compromised, loved more, changed, loved even more, made a few mistakes, loved to the core then I got dumped. Three years later, and I’m back to where I started.

Albeit stronger and less of the cry baby that I once was, it was agonizing. It was so excruciating to say goodbye to all those comfortable nights of having dinner at his place and just watching TV or a DVD together. Or waking up beside him in the morning with his arms around me. It’s mostly the little things that are hard to let go of, really. The way his shirts smell and how I find bliss in wearing them to bed (yeah, what is it with guys shirts, anyway?). Or how he can’t sleep without Vicks. Or how about his really loud snore that kept me up countless of nights, which I eventually got accustomed to and grown to love over the years? Or how I have the power to annoy him by asking him the same question a million times. Or just the way he calls me by our term of endearment. Or merely watching him read the morning paper while having breakfast. It’s the little things that make him distinct that I truly missed. It’s the ghost of the little, minute things that haunted me.

It’s been three months and I’m over it. Over him. Amazing, isn’t it? How can I say for sure that I’m really okay?

I know I’m over him because whenever I chance upon something that reminds me of what we had, I only feel nostalgic, not resentful. Whenever I see a car same as the one he drives, I no longer remember the shouting, cursing and crying that conspired inside that same vehicle. Instead, I remember the music blaring from the stereo, the joyrides, the laughter shared between the 2 of us or with friends. Plus, I no longer find myself wincing everytime I hear a song that we both liked. Nowadays, whenever he crosses my mind, I no longer find myself wishing him ill or plotting convoluted schemes of revenge. Instead, I say a little prayer for him and hope that he’s doing well and that he is, more than anything else in the world, HAPPY.

After all, don’t we all deserve to be?

I say, find happiness in little things. I see it in the yellow of my curtain when the sun hits it every morning and I am forced to open my eyes. Happiness soothes me with every sip of my morning coffee. And my after lunch coffee. And my afternoon coffee. Even my evening coffee. I see it in Nante, the maintenance guy in our building who never fails to greet me with a smile and a “Good Morning, Ma’am!” before I leave for work. Or food! My friends always say I look like the most satisfied person in the world when I’m ingesting something I love, regardless if it’s really expensive Japanese food or your plain, lovable isaw. Happiness is in the laughter of my officemates and the music playing on my Yahoo Messenger. I find delight in text messages from my friends, no matter how mundane or silly they are. And isn’t curling up in your favorite armchair with a good book one of the most peaceful things in the world? And whenever I go for a run around the village, I love how I always come across something that wasn’t there before. Like lately, it has been Christmas lights. I get tickled pink when I read heart-warming messages people leave in my online journal. It’s so bizarre how you can get so euphoric over people you’ve never actually met. Then there’s the feeling of exhilaration I get from mountain climbing and discovering unusual trees, plants, insects and flowers that you don’t normally encounter in the city. The adrenalin rush I get from being able to conquer something I never thought I would be capable of doing definitely comes a close second to falling madly in love.

And if I wasn’t already lucky enough to have a zillion friends who perennially make sure I’m okay, someone new came into my life and further pushed away whatever pain was left. A kindred spirit, that’s what he is. I’ve only known him for a half a month but it already feels like I’ve known him half of my life. It’s as if God had some secret desire to catch me off-guard. We have oodles of things in common, we relate to each other well and I surprisingly, found myself spending more time with this person. And every night, before going to bed, apart from the countless things I am already thankful for, I can’t help but thank God for being crafty enough to bowl me over with this new friendship. I can’t help but be grateful for allowing this stranger to become so strangely familiar. And I can only hope that the rapport I keep with this person never ends.

And while it is normal for people who are close to me think that there’s more to this new person than just friendship, I insistently digress. I’m not looking for someone who works like a band-aid or Ibuprofen who will cover up a wound or temporarily ease my pain. But I'm not totally blocking off the idea of falling for this person either. Who knows what will happen? The future remains uncertain. It’s just that in my heart I know, love will take its own sweet time. I don’t have to look for it. Love will find me. And like all my other past loves, I won’t even know when it’ll hit me, or that it already has. And unlike all my other past loves, I want the next one to last.

What I’m trying to say is, the past months have made me realize that I don’t need someone to complete me because I am whole on my own. While I sometimes find myself missing suffocating someone with bear hugs and smothering someone with little kisses, the next person who rocks the ground I walk on and drives me crazy will, well, add spice to my life and electrify me more. But he will not, ever, complete me. Because I already am.

I will always believe that happiness is NOT a place, but a direction, a destination. A journey that we must all be aware enough to choose to take. The things and people around us can only do so much. At the end of the day, no one can ever bring us there but ourselves.

It was Anne Frank who said, “I don’t think of all the misery, but all the beauty that remains”. I say, “I don’t think of all the misery, but all the beauty that remains and remains to be seen and felt.” You can quote me on that.

about moi

Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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Platform Wedge Sandals by Michael Kors
Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan

Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in one!)
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in 1!)

quotable quote

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet cxvi

in my book bag

I Know Why the Caged 

Bird Sings by Maya Angelou


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