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Friday, May 03, 2002

I was reading through trixy's blog when i remembered this essay that i wrote a year ago. Have a good weekend, everyone!!!

My Bitter Half

By: Bunny C.

I was having lunch a few days ago in a cozy café at the Greenbelt while trying to get some work done when I noticed a couple at the next table. They were seated so close to each other as if the word "space" didn't exist. They were looking at each other's eyes as if it was the most beautiful thing they have ever laid their pupils upon. I rolled my eyes and got totally irritated so I diverted my attention to the newspaper in front of me instead. When I put the paper down, I saw them again. This time, it was worse. The couple was locked in an embrace, kissing while Freestyle's "Till I found you" was singing in the background. Talk about perfect timing. And there I was, loading myself with work while trying to forget that it was the 1st year anniversary of my loveless life. And in my heart, there was no denying that I wish I could relate to that Freestyle song.

I was loving every minute of my single blessedness life till I saw that couple. I knew I was missing out on something but I was just too darn petrified to admit it.

I have had relationships. A couple of serious and long term ones in fact. The last one was the most painful of all. I built my whole world around this one person, loved him to the core and when he was gone, my world crumbled. Nothing was left for me. It took awhile but with the help of friends (and dates on the side), my tears turned to smiles then the smiles turned into laughter then before I even knew it, I was back to my normal, hyper, jolly self!

Something about me changed though. I'm stronger now. I don't fall in love easily anymore. I now know the difference between 'bullshit' and sincerity. I no longer fall for the crap some men use to get inside a woman's pants. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm not interested in the male species. I happen to like going out with them, conversing with them, asking them about women, listening to their opinions, and drinking with them (while getting them drunk in the process, haha!). I'll have to say I'm being more careful now. I'm trying to steer clear of having a broken heart and mending it all over again. I've already gone this far, haven't I? There is no way in hell that I am going through all that again for someone who's not worth a single teardrop. After all, no man is worth my tears but the one who is will not make me cry.

I have to admit, I have become terrified of falling for someone. I'm so used to being dependent on myself, to getting my way that I am frightened of having another entity walk into my life and alter all that. I don't want to be like my sister or my friends who act like it's the end of the world just because their boyfriends didn't call or because they fought about something completely petty.

Suddenly, serious relationships freak me out. There are a lot of things about myself that I'm not prepared to compromise. No smoking. No drinking. I can't wear this. I can't wear that. I can't go out with my guy friends. I can't stay out late unless I'm with him. Blah blah blah. Blech. For crying out loud in the middle of the night, I'm your girlfriend, not your little sister. You might as well lock me in a room and leave me for dead.

But I confess, I do miss falling in love. I miss waking up in the morning with a smile on my face because I know someone longs for me. I miss holding hands while watching movies. I miss how a man's embrace can make me feel like I'm in the safest place on the planet. I miss having someone worry about the littlest things about me, like if I've had my lunch or if I got to work safe. I miss the giddy feeling I get when he's about to kiss me. I miss the way a man's smile and comforting words can make the worst day in the world turn into the best. Gawd, I could just go on and on.

Seeing that couple the other day made me realize that no matter how hard I try to brush away the idea that I don't need "someone" to make me complete and absolutely blissful, that my career and my work eats up all my time, that there are guys who keep asking me out, that I have tons of friends to go out and party with and that love is overrated, at the end of the day, I'm still going to hope that "the one" comes along. And regardless of the fact that I cringe when mush comes my way, I know that maybe (just maybe!) someday, I will catch myself using those cheesy, lovey-dovey lines as well.

about moi

Loves the beach, wishes she had more time and money to travel, recently got hooked to climbing mountains, reads anything she can get her hands on, frustrated writer, adores her 3-year-old Lhasa Apso, Tashi, constantly needs caffeine, wonders when she'll quit smoking, and will most likely die due to liver complications from drinking too much (if the cigarettes doesn't get to her lungs first). Can't live without accessories especially big, dangling earrings, shoe freak (aren't we all?), sucker for discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants, will ingest anything spicy, enjoys giving and receiving massages, addicted to Friends, Sex and the City and CSI, goes gaga over kids, dreams of being alone with Jim Morrison and smoking a joint with Bob Marley. Would love to party with Gwen Stefani, shop with Patricia Field, write poetry with Maya Angelou and have Sting, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain and Bono over for dinner.

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blog worthy

Bitch, please
Blue Arden
Born to Ride
Caffeine Rush
Car Driver
Reaching for Chocolate Stars and Sapphire Dreams
Click mo mukha mo!
Closet Introvert
Color in a Gray Cube
Confessions of a Coke Addict
Confessions of an OJT Killer
Creating Space 101
Din's World
Emerald Pastures
Hungry Alien
I came, I saw, I blogged
Intelektwal Interkors
Lavander Kitten
Lone Star Psychedelia
Mighty Girl
Modified Memories
Nocturnal Angel
Not Square
Of Life and Peanuts
One Seater Plane
Pile o'smeg
*Photo Seko
Pinay Hekmi
Purple Beanie
Purple Toes
Renaissance Girl
Rock the Boat
Sabitski Point
Stories Under the Sun
Sunny Side Up
Table for One
Ten Years Later
The Blurb
The Digital Pinoy
The Dork Side
The Ultimate BlogHopper
Tinggay Forever
Undiscussable Realms
Unica Hija
Warcar: no bumper
What a Pansy Fancies
White Sky Project
Wytch's Brew
*freshly added


Platform Wedge Sandals by Michael Kors
Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan

Semiprecious chain earrings by Cynthia Dugan
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in one!)
Thump by Oakley (mp3 player and shades in 1!)

quotable quote

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet cxvi

in my book bag

I Know Why the Caged 

Bird Sings by Maya Angelou


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